Link: trouble at the hen house
by doughboy
Summary: A fan fic I wrote after playing Zelda wwaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy too much, even though there is no too much of Zelda, ocarina of time. lol. r&r!
1. Default Chapter

Trouble at the henhouse Zelda fic  
  
Malon and Talon, were delivering milk to their best customer, the happy mask man. He happily paid twice the amount they asked, because he loved their milk.  
  
Mask man: *Chinese accent* (this is how I hear him talk in my head as I play) Herrlo Marlon! Tarlon! Do you have my mirlk?  
  
Malon: Yes we do, sir! 100 rupees for that.  
  
Mask man: Ah, good dearl, eh?  
  
Talon: Half off, because you've been so generous in the past.  
  
Mask man: Thank you kindrly. Herle is yourl 100 rlupees.  
  
Malon: Thank you sir. Good-bye!  
  
Mask man: Why you leave so soon? Want to buy mask?  
  
Malon: Sorry, we have to leave. the cows can't feed themselves you know.  
  
Mask man: Oh, ok, Bye bye Marlon!  
  
In the buggy on the way back, Malon and Talon hear chickens clucking loudly, and someone yelling. They figure it's at their farm, so they'd better hurry.  
  
Talon: Huh? What's that?  
  
Malon: Don't worry dad. You know how grumpy the chickens are when they aren't fed.  
  
Talon: ^_^ you're so smart, honey! You're going to be a professor when you're older! I just know it!  
  
Malon: *blushes* DAD! Turn here! You're going to miss the farm!  
  
Talon: I'm just getting forgetful in my old age Malon.  
  
Malon: *giggles* Oh dad.  
  
Talon: *Hillbilly style guffawing* I crack me up!  
  
They arrive at the ranch. They see Link. He's waiting in front of the stable.  
  
Link: *nonchalant whistling* Oh, hey! Malon: What are you doing here?  
  
Link: Umm. just wanted some milk. You know how much I love my milk! Mmm milk!  
  
Malon: You hate milk! You only use it to boost your hp when you're low. *looks like she's remembering something* OH! Sorry, out of context, anyway. You must be here for something else.  
  
Link: Well.  
  
Talon: Well, out with it boy!  
  
Link: I was wondering, if I could just beat your cuckos with my sword again?  
  
Talon: AGAIN!?  
  
Link: Well, the first time was an accident, but I just wanted to try again! I'll never do it again! Promise!  
  
Malon: Link, I think you have a problem.  
  
Link: I think that YOU have a problem!  
  
Malon: I think you've had enough of beating the cuckos Link!  
  
Link: I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!  
  
Talon: LEAVE! NOW!  
  
Link: Fine! I don't need you! I'll buy my own! But don't forget what I did for the land of Hyrule!  
  
Link leaves. He's in a very irritable mood right now. Everyone is looking at him weird. He's tried beating cows, but his sword doesn't seem to go through the air when he tries to hit them through the stable. *Author's note: Hahaha! Just like in the game* It's now 3:00 a.m., and all the animals are asleep. That's when they heard the cuckos clucking like mad.  
  
Talon: GAK! What the hell is that? Malon? MALONNNNNNNNN!!  
  
Malon: *half asleep* yes dad?  
  
Malon rubs her eyes. She hits a stone of truth on her desk with a deku stick.  
  
Stone of truth: BING! BONG! It's now 3:00 a.m.! Malon: DAD! It's 3:00 am!  
  
Talon: I know, can't you hear the cuckos clucking like they got that mad cucko disease?  
  
Malon: It's mad cow disease dad! And, I'm all the way up here, on the third floor. You're on the ground floor.  
  
Talon: I think Link snuck in. Dammit, I knew we shouldn't have given him Epona!  
  
Malon: Dad! Language! And, anyway, he said he'd get his own.  
  
Talon: Well, I don't believe him. Come with me to see.  
  
Malon: Fine!  
  
Talon: Okay. Let's go.  
  
Malon: See? No one's there! Let's go back.  
  
Talon: Link! You get outta here!  
  
Malon: Wait, who's this?  
  
????: No one's here!  
  
Talon: Well, I believe the shadows. Let's leave.  
  
Malon: *reaches into the shadows and pulls out Link* HUH? I thought you said you were going to buy your own cuckos!  
  
Link: I didn't do it! I swear! It was him! *Points to the screen to a shadow holding a controller*  
  
Malon: Huh?  
  
Talon: *looks puzzled, but pretends he's not* Ummm, ok?  
  
Malon: Who's that guy?  
  
Doughboy: It's me! Link! Keep beating the cuckos!!!!!!!  
  
Link: Yes sir. *keeps beating the cuckos*  
  
Malon: You stop that Doughboy!  
  
Me: NO! I can do what I want! *Taps 'b' button repeatedly to keep slashing cuckos*  
  
Malon: Demmit! I can do nothing in this situation! Fine! Doughboy, you can do as you wish!  
  
Me: Thank you. Malon, Talon, keep up the fine work here at Lon Lon ranch. Get rid of the other guy though. he's gonna be trouble for you later in the game, I mean, uh, I've said too much! *Presses reset button and watches opening screen* Good thing I didn't save! *Opens doughboy file in ocarina of time* Ahh, there we go! *Makes Link beat chickens* go me! 


	2. Link's addiction

Link's Addiction By: doughboy  
  
Link: and that's when doughboy told me to keep slashing chickens. and, I feel so humiliated, because I feel that Malon likes me!  
  
Therapist: Maybe because you suffer from schizophrenia?  
  
Link: nah.  
  
Therapist: Ummmm paranoia?  
  
Link: No.  
  
Therapist: How about we look at some ink blotches, because I have no Idea what your problem is.  
  
Link: I know what it is I just can't admit it.  
  
Therapist: Well, since I'm bilking you out of your money, and we have another half hour left, why the hell not?  
  
Link: Meh, sure, you're right.  
  
Therapist: Okay! *Takes out mother pile of at least 700 funky ink blotches* Here's 708 ink blotches!  
  
Link: *looks puzzled* uh, think we'll be able to do these in only the short time left in this fanfic?  
  
Therapist: Umm, I dunno, but let's at least try!  
  
Link: *is shown a lot of ink blotches* Umm, cuccos, cuccos, me slashing cuccos, hehehe, freaking cuccos, I want to slash cuccos now!!!!! DAMN YOU SHRINKAGE BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Therapist: Well, I can see your problem all to clearly now!  
  
Link: What? You found out I have an addiction to beating cuccos with swords?  
  
Therapist: No! Not even close, you're a manic-depressive homosexual with anal-retentive tendencies!  
  
Link: *puzzled* Huh?  
  
Therapist: How could I have been so blind as to have not seen it! I mean, the fairy, the tights, the beating of things with poles, the many, many shoes, the way you walk! I'm blind! AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! *therapist does various crazy things* wow, I can see clearly now. *Authors' note: don't take it as gay-bashing, I just think it was a funny thing to put into the story, seeing as how therapists always think that people are manic-depressive homosexuals*  
  
Link: O.. k.. I'll be leaving now.  
  
Link leaves the therapist 2 rupees for being too stupid to notice his cucco beating addiction. He's really bummed.  
  
Link: I'm really bummed  
  
We just said that Link. Anyway, more narration, Link is feeling low, and what makes people like Link feel better? You may have guessed drinking, doing drugs, or inhaling paint fumes. In either case, you were wrong! YOU SHOULDVE GUESSED RIGHT BUNCH OF IDIOTS! For those who did I applaud you, it's cucco bashing!!!!!  
  
Link: I gotta hide. I need to beat those Lady's cuccos! Hehehehe.  
  
Link beats the cuccos severely and runs away, in fear of being attacked by them in their cucco bunch.  
  
Link: I'm bummed  
  
Link. That's getting annoying. Anywho, Link is still depressed, so he goes home and eats a pint of hagen dazs and sleeps for 15 hours.  
  
Cow: Moo  
  
Link: *half asleep* huh? What?  
  
Cow: Moo  
  
Link: Holy intergalactic yard stick! It's 4:00 am standard Hyrule time! I've slept for 15 hours!  
  
Cow: Moo  
  
Link: Well, who cares?  
  
Cow: Moo  
  
Link goes back to bed. He looks tired.  
  
Link: SHUT UP! It's sleepy time asshole!  
  
Ok Link, sorry. *sniffles* He woke up at 7:00 am standard Hyrule time(check local times for variations)  
  
Link: *Yawns*  
  
Cow: Moo  
  
Link: Oh boy, another day in this shit-hole.  
  
Cow: Moo  
  
Link: I gotta snap outta this deep blue funk.  
  
Cow: Moo  
  
Link: Shut up! *Hits cow and then realizes how stupid the game is and it won't let him do it* DAMMITTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!  
  
Cow: Moo  
  
Link: I'm going to get me some lon lon milk. if Malon and Talon have forgiven me.  
  
Cow: Moo  
  
Link: Wow, you can moo, is that all you can do?  
  
Cow: No, I can speak many a language you know  
  
Link: Wha??  
  
Cow: Moo  
  
Link: Oh well, let me guess you can break dance too?  
  
Cow: Moo  
  
Link imagines a break-dancing cow.  
  
Link: BAHAHAHA!!!! Wait, can you break dance?  
  
Cow: Moo *starts break-dancing*  
  
Link: BAHAHA!!!! Wait, I'm out of my depression! YAY *goes and has more hagen dazs and listens to knife party by the deftones and sings along* Go get your.. Umm, I suck! I'm gonna go see Zelda now. Bye cow! Thanks for helping me!  
  
Cow: Moo  
  
Link is on his way to see his future wife. wait! I've said too much! *Doughboy snaps readers' neck* There we go. Hehehehehehe. Anyway, He's on his way to see Zelda, as he listens to his Walkman. His favorite song is on the radio "kick the cuccos" by the traveling sheiks.  
  
Radio announcer: And that was "kick the cuccos" A dedication to Link from Malon and Talon of the Lon Lon ranch.  
  
Link: What?? A dedication? To me? They must've forgiven me! *runs to the Lon Lon ranch* *is there* Malon? Talon?  
  
There was no answer, or sound of anyone being there, so, Link walks away.  
  
Malon: Wait! Link!  
  
Link: What? I thought you hated me!  
  
Malon: Nope! I only hate Doughboy! *Hoarse and deep voice* DIABOLUS DOUGHBOY!!!  
  
Me: Hey! That may be Latin, but you just called me Satan!  
  
Malon: Nuh-uh!  
  
Me: Uh-huh!  
  
Malon: Doughboy, shut up, you have no idea how much I hate you right now, the only reason I'm in this fic is cause I need the money  
  
Me: ACT HAPPY! DON'T MAKE ME ERASE YOU FROM THE FAN FIC!  
  
Malon: Aww, ok then, *grumbles* asshole  
  
Doughboy: WHAT WAS THAT?  
  
Malon: Nothing, nothing.  
  
Me: Better not have been! Back to the story now!  
  
Malon: Ok. Link, I love you.  
  
Everyone but me cause I knew that was gonna happen: WHAT???????  
  
Link: I can't love you. My heart belongs to.  
  
Me: PRINCESS RUTO!  
  
Link: SHUT IT! Fuck! Anyway it belongs to Zelda  
  
Malon: I'm gonna kill that bitch!  
  
A cheering crowd pops up out of nowhere: JERRY! JERRY!  
  
Malon: *evil eyes*  
  
Crowd: *stops cheering and follows Malon to Hyrule castle*  
  
Malon managed to sneak through the castle and getting past the guards. She finds Zelda and confronts her.  
  
Malon: Zelda! You hooker! Get out here now!  
  
Zelda: What ARE you talking about little Lon Lon girl?  
  
Malon: You're stealing my man!  
  
Zelda: What man?  
  
Malon: You know who, you ho!  
  
Zelda: Oh no she didn't just all me a ho!  
  
Link: Umm, yah she did Zelda.  
  
Zelda: SHUT UP! It's a way of talking.  
  
Link: Well it's a dumb way  
  
Malon and Zelda: SHUT UP!  
  
Link: Jesus, P.M.S. or what?  
  
Malon and Zelda: WHAT?  
  
Link: Oh, nothing.  
  
Malon: Better not have been!  
  
Zelda: Who cares, he's mine anyway!  
  
Malon: Let's fight about it!  
  
Zelda: FINE! Right here right now bitch!  
  
Link:.  
  
Everyone: *Awaits in anticipation* Intermission! *70's style organ music* next time on Link's addiction: ZELDA VS. MALON 


	3. Link pt. 3

Zelda vs. Malon By: doughboy and associates  
  
Announcer: and that fight was brought to you by hagen dazs, mmm taste that choco-blasted flavor. almost orgasmic. wait, um, can I get a towel here? Anyway. Here's the title bout folks! Malon from the Lon Lon ranch! And Zelda of Hyrule castle!  
  
Crowd: *cheers and jeers*  
  
Announcer: well, there are mixed reactions from the crowd, we'll se what happens, let's go over to the ring with our ringside announcer Ganondorf!  
  
Ganondorf: In this corner, 12 years old, weighing in at 90 lbs. Zelda of hyrule!!!!!!  
  
Crowd: *Cheers* GO ZELDA!  
  
Ganondorf: And in this corner, 11 years old, weighing in at 87 lbs. Malon of the Lon Lon ranch!  
  
Crowd: *cheers* GO MALON!  
  
Ganondorf: I wanna see a good clean fight, no bitch-slapping, no names, no hair pulling, fight!  
  
Announcer: Malon and Zelda ended up doing all that Ganondorf asked them not to do!  
  
Malon: *bites Zelda's finger* WHORE!  
  
Zelda: *pulls Zelda's hair* BITCH!  
  
Fighting continues and Malon and Zelda are viciously going at each other with insults and blows that would have hurt Ganondorf! It was merciless.  
  
Announcer: THE ATTACK WAS HORRIBLE! Zelda pulls through and KICKS MALON IN THE UTERUS!  
  
Malon: OW! MY BOX!  
  
Zelda: Wait. why are we fighting?  
  
Malon: Over Link!  
  
Zelda: Meh, I'm over it, come on; let's go get some hagen dazs!  
  
Malon: Ok!  
  
Link: wait, what just happened here???  
  
Announcer: and the fans do not like this one bit Ganondorf  
  
Ganondorf: oh, I see what you're talking about Jim!  
  
Crowd: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??? WE WANT HAGEN DAZS TOO!!!  
  
Ganondorf: What is this author's obsession with hagen dazs???  
  
Me: Shut up Ganondorf! I'll erase you good!  
  
Ganondorf: Okay, Okay. *whisper* Narc  
  
Jim: Well, he sure is Ganondorf, he sure is, but, nothing we can do, he'll erase us!  
  
Ganondorf: I'm tired of this shit! I'ma tell him off right now!  
  
Me: What did you just say? *Takes out eraser* don't think I won't!  
  
Ganondorf: Go ahead! Without me, this story's going nowhere anyway!  
  
Me: You can be replaced.  
  
Ganondorf: FUCK YOU! Do your worst!  
  
Me: *erases Ganondorf* I never liked the bastard anyway. try to kill Link and take over Hyrule. *draws someone else that turns out to be princess gohma*  
  
Gohma: *weird dialect*  
  
Me: uhhh, no? *erases gohma and draws a business scrub*  
  
Business scrub: I'll give you a good deal on deku sticks! 10 pieces for 30$! It's a steal!  
  
Me: Dammit! I hate business scrubs! Oh well, best I can do! Wait, the fight is over! Why am I fussing over the announcer?  
  
The arena is empty. No one is there but Link and Ganondorf.  
  
Link: Hey Ganondorf.  
  
Ganondorf: Hey Link, sorry about the whole trying to kill you thing, I just wanted the tri-force.  
  
Link: Meh, don't worry about it. Hey, want to go spy on Zelda and Malon?  
  
Ganondorf: Okay! As long as you promise we won't get caught. I don't want to be charged.  
  
Link: Oh, don't worry; the guards around here are inept anyway. And you're a friend of the family!  
  
Ganondorf: Okay. I'll tag along!  
  
Link and Ganondorf leave the arena full of clutter and garbage, notably Hagen dazs ice cream containers. *Author's note: mmmmmmm Hagen dazs*  
  
Link and Ganondorf: Hehehe!  
  
Link: Malon is obsessed with me!  
  
Ganondorf: And Zelda seems to think I'm creepy. It's funny to find out what people think of you when you're sneaking peeks through windows!  
  
Link: I'll be right back, I need to go home, and I'll be back in 20 minutes flat.  
  
Ganondorf: Okay. I'll keep guard and make sure no one sees you come back.  
  
Link leaves the post, and Ganondorf cannot resist listening to what the girls have to say about him and the boys of Hyrule. Finally, Link arrives with a band of guards.  
  
Link: THERE HE IS! HE'S PLANNING TO ROB THE CASTLE!  
  
Ganondorf: WAIT A MINUTE! I was just listening in to what they were saying in there.  
  
Guard #1: And what did they talk about?  
  
Ganondorf: Ummm, boys, mostly Link, and how creepy I am.  
  
Guard #2: SO! WE CAUGHT YOU RED-HANDED! You're under arrest and charged with pedophilia!  
  
Ganondorf: WAIT!!!!  
  
Guard #1: Stop delaying the inevitable! You're going to be arrested anyway. What Link told me about you is just too illegal.  
  
Link: Take him away boys!  
  
Guard #1 and #2: YESSIR!  
  
They scoot Ganondorf away on a paddy wagon steered by a horse that looks an awful lot like Epona.  
  
Link: *thinks to himself* I can't let this happen to him! WAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!  
  
Zelda and Malon look over and see Link yelling, and Ganondorf being escorted by two castle guards.  
  
Link: All this time I've had no use for "Epona's Song", other than that disgusting crap you have the gall to call milk! I now know how I can use it! *Link runs to lake Hylia, whips out his ocarina and plays epona's song*  
  
The horse gallops madly towards Link, who is in the middle of lake Hylia on the island. The two guards and Epona manage to escape, and, seeing as how Ganondorf is a giant retard, he doesn't use his magic beams to free himself and drowns.  
  
Link: And that's the end of that chapter! *Swooshes scarf that came out of nowhere*  
  
Zelda: Wait! Look Link!  
  
Ganon emerges from the lake.  
  
Link: *to Ganon* I said *swooshes scarf violently*  
  
Ganon: *grumbles and dies*  
  
Malon: Wait, where did you get that scarf?  
  
Link: I bought it from a business scrub, he showed up at the show, I just hadn't equipped it yet, and since time freezes in the pause menu, it seemed like it popped up out of nowhere!  
  
Everyone: oh. *whispering gay comments about Link*  
  
Link: Doughboy, un-equip it, it has served it's purpose.  
  
Me: Fine, you're the boss! Wait, no you're not! I am! But, you do look pretty gay. Maybe you need to sell it to Ingo or something!  
  
Ingo: No, it's not my color! *leaves*  
  
Everyone: *glares at Ingo weird*  
  
Ingo: What?  
  
Link: Nothing, nothing. hehehe.  
  
Well, everything in Hyrule turned out just peachy, and Zelda married Link, and they had 27 kids. that's what sexual frustration does to you after 7 years I guess huh? Ganon died because of the scarf incident, and Ingo came out after Talon came back to the castle. Wait, isn't that weird? Malon has no mom, and. Wait, I'll stop there, let you use your powers of deduction. Well, carpe diem, seize the carp! r&r plz! 


End file.
